A Collection of Thoughts

For this introverted yet people loving Mama these summer months of transition and unknown has been quite challenging.  I don't even know where to begin.  May is an expected whirlwind and it definitely lived up to that expectation this year.  June is holding her own though and competing with a fury.  As I'm sure July and August will as well.  Sometimes it helps just to write, unedited so the thoughts in my head space are given life and matter and hopefully it all begins to make some sort of sense.  This morning I woke early, like before our 6:30am alarm early to attend a study discussion surrounding the Enneagram, a new topic I've been studying.  And then when I arrived at the noted location, no study group or discussion.  So here I sit, enjoying the sounds at the local coffee shop, typing away, Bible at the ready, people watching, listening and drinking my coffee, otherwise known as my happy juice.  It's hard for me to take this time for myself.  My mind wanders, I should be at home preparing everyone for their day, then I start listening in on the tables beside me, groups of women conversing, business meetings taking place, etc.  Focus Leanna, focus.  This commitment to write and practice and create is difficult.  I liken the process to running.  Some days are harder than others to roll out of bed, lace up the trainers and get going.  Now if I could bottle the feeling I have after a run I would never have a problem getting myself out there.  Same for writing.  As much as I love the creative process I struggle to make the time, to have it hold importance and priority in my schedule.  And it should.  Or better, I want it to.  It was one of my goals for this year of 2017, more writing, documenting and creating.  Not necessarily curating anything in particular but sharing my thoughts, observations and our lives.  Honestly and unfiltered, without holding back.  Still though I will re-read this post and fine tune where necessary before I hit publish. (Duh!)

So here's the latest and greatest with us.  We received news in May that Husband Jared had been offered a position with Apple in Vienna, Austria.  Let me begin by gushing for a moment on just how proud I am of him.  There were a few intense months of conversations and interviews and Face Time appointments with overseas market leaders.  After the lengthy process, including much prayer time and several family conversations he accepted and thus the ball was set in motion.  Allow me to share the back story here.  When we were traveling through Bavaria in the fall, after having dropped off Thing 2 at school, Husband Jared and I had a conversation that I haven't forgotten.  We were sitting at a cafe dreaming about our future, talking about how at peace and comfortable we were with the European lifestyle.  How invigorated our souls felt while traveling.  We were dreaming about the future and reminiscing in the sweetest way.  The memories we recalled about our time in Turkey and how that grew us in unexpected and necessary ways.  And then without hesitation we both said, we need to do this again.  As a family.  And thus, this journey begun.  With prayer and much enthusiasm Husband Jared started looking for openings abroad.  Asia was and still is a growing market and although there were opportunities it didn't "seem" right.  We were open to anything but I was hesitant to say the least. About a month later, while we were still debating the option of South Korea, a text from Husband Jared came through letting me know there was an opening in Vienna, next line, "what do you think?".  Without a second thought I responded with an excited, "go for it!".  Little did I know what the Lord had prepared for us.  Isn't that the case more often than not?  At least it has been for me in my walk with Him.

Here we are, mid-July, yes I started this post in June.  Negotiations are just about complete, we don't have a concrete move date as of yet and we are in the process of navigating leaving two of our four Things here in TN while we embark on this European adventure.  Now that is something that the Lord had not allowed to enter my mind throughout the decision making journey.  Maybe that was His protection, I don't know.  What I do know is that my Mama's heart is having to steady itself in new and uncharted ways.  Isn't that something?  His work is never done in me.  And everyone bellowed a resounding "Hallelujah"!  Wink, wink.  So, yes I write with confidence that the Lord has us exactly where He wants us and will move us where we need to be when it is time for us to be there.  My head is quite clear on the whole, they're His before mine, and His ways are higher and whatever other confidence inspiring Christian-ese you'd like to throw my way but my heart, well that's a different story.  What I am learning is that doesn't change who He is or who I believe Him to be or even my relationship with Him.  For me, it means that sometimes my heart is a bit slower to make the head-heart connection.  I logically know the truth but when it needs to sink in deep and take root, well now that takes time.  It also means being tethered to His word, His promises and His wisdom.

For reals though, I feel as if I've been on a roller coaster ride these last couple months.  They have been full and good, don't get me wrong, and hear me when I say I am grateful beyond measure.  But it's been tricky and messy.  Peaks and valleys friends.  And I'm talking about both my head and heart space and how that translates into actually living real life.  I'm feeling all the emotions, both my own and everyone around me.  Thank you Enneagram for helping make sense of that for me.  We'll just sum that up to my "two-ness".  Ahem.  Moving on.  I am revamping my business which calls, no actually demands, a level of self awareness and introspective thinking that has proven rather interesting for me.  Talk about revelatory moments.  In the midst of all this living, Thing 4 has been in Costa Rica with Royal Servants.  So we've been moving forward, having family meetings and celebrating and mourning all that has transpired and I've been missing a piece of my heart.  Cue the tears.   I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  No.  As I write my heart spills onto the page and the words and thoughts consuming me start to unravel and make sense.  They're less powerful when I see them on the screen, name them, give them a space to live in and then let them float down the river.  Another metaphor learned through the Enneagram and creating a meditative practice.  So much learning and growing.  Well, at least trying to and definitely being willing to.

See how quickly I digressed?  What began as a sort of catch up post morphed into a tangled page of words.  Spilled from head and heart unfiltered.  There you have it friends and here we come August.  We're ready for you.  I think.


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