Not Sparkly But Still Shining Brightly
Last year at this time we were just weeks away from our international move. Christmas was spent in someone else's home in the Smoky Mountains, without the usual comforts surrounding. This year I have a paper chain in our utility room tracking the days until our three daughters arrive in Vienna for Christmas celebrations. So yes, different is our new normal. Our apartment may be decorated with some of the familiar; our stockings, knit by my Framma, Nana's crocheted snowflakes hanging on the window and the tree skirt she made as well. We are a family that digs traditions. Creating special and memorable moments together, wrapped in big I love you's and vats of coffee and cocoa. Imagine twinkle lights draped from every window, pine forest candles lit, decorating the tree together and telling the story of every ornament that the Things place on the branches, Advent cards, Christmas light tours in pajammies and Christmas carols blaring from the speaker each and every day! Yes, we like Christmas and we like our traditions. And even though there are some of the usual touches here in our new home my heart aches a bit at what is missing too.
With all of our six not in one location, yet, the Christmas spirit has seemed a bit intangible. I have made a dutiful effort. Baked cookies, gingerbread men for the tree with Thing 4, we strung the popcorn, lit the Advent candles and hung lights on our patio in hopes to spread a bit of cheer to our neighborhood. All the things, the ones that bring comfort and joy, haven't. At least not to my level of expectation. That is a feeling I'm not accustomed to. As Husband Jared and I were sitting at the table this morning he informed me that he too has felt the same way. I sighed a bit of relief right then and there. Silly for me to think that I've been the only one effected by all this change. We have tried to hold traditions loosely. Jump all in with what is working for the season we're in, let those that bring stress and add chaos or the ones that feel like "have to's" fall to the way side. This has been a system of operation that has worked well for us. And in past years I have been comfortable with this philosophy. I still stand by its merit. Only thing is this year and the last, our lives haven't remotely resembled what it was previously. Therein lies the issue with expectations. They get in the way and muddy up the waters of clarity. The Christmas of 2016 was the first holiday that all four of our Things were not home for. Last year we had just moved from our Franklin home, we were staying with Mema and G-pa and we ran away to the mountains for Christmas. Now we are in a foreign country, where Christmas trees are brought in on Christmas Eve, Christmas markets are the new way to shop and see lights, and our daughters are not here. They will be, but not until December 26th, Thing 4's birthday and the day after Christmas, Boxing Day for those that celebrate. In the wise words of Husband Jared, "who says that our celebration of Christmas has to follow the calendar provided?".
All this talk of tradition and "typical" or even "normal" for that matter had me shaking my head at myself. I know better. If another woman or mother was coming to me and spilling out these feelings I would know what to say. I would tell her to give herself grace, take deep breaths. I'd remind her that the Christmas spirit is not found in the traditions or the customs. Christmas spirit comes from within. And even when it doesn't seem attainable that's OK too. Really. Goodness knows we are not always going to be feeling merry and bright every minute of the Advent season. This season of preparation includes a list a mile long for most. Or possibly a list of grief and want, desires of the heart unfulfilled, reminders of a loved one lost, or not enough in the bank account to provide. A multitude of reasons could lay claim to one's joy. And it does. Everyday. So why should I expect Christmas to be any different?
While the Christmas spirit may not be overflowing here, just yet, I am throwing the expectation of a sparkly Christmas done the way it's always been done to the wayside. Who says it has to be one way or the other? Yes and Amen to that! We can live well in the in-between, this season too can be both- and. Celebrating the truest of truths coming incarnate, mourning what once was the tradition, soaking in the present, fluffing with twinkle lights and cozy blankets, hanging on tightly to those near and dear, allowing both grief and joy, and embracing the struggle for all of it to coexist this side of heaven. I wish I could tell you I am at ease with all this but a constant theme here on the blog has been adapting to the new, accepting it for what it is and continuing forward. With that I'll choose to do the same this Advent season.
For every tradition that has gone unfulfilled something new has taken place. Christmas markets have become the new light show. The wooden stalls covered in evergreen branches, lights draped over head and festive cheer floating heavy creates the most special atmosphere. Another was gingerbread making with Thing 4. He dutifully assisted in the cookie cutting and stringing and even placing on the tree. Our angel that adorns the tippy top of our tree was placed by Husband Jared instead of cycling through our four Things. The stack of Christmas centered children's books are not laying about waiting to be read any longer. No, they are packed up waiting for the next generation. Instead there were exams to be taken and current events to be written about. Not necessarily tradition but a real reminder of a different station in life. There it is again, the theme of different, which as we say in this family is not better or worse, just different. We have continued to open our home and gather with friends, I've had the privilege of chats over coffee and hikes and dinner dates with friends where my stomach muscles hurt from laughing so hard. So yes, some things are the same as they've always been. Others not necessarily. And that is what I will choose to leave room for in this evolving station of life. Room for a wider berth, more people included and invited in, tears and dancing, presents in the form of time and love, a kind word spoken, a smile shared, cocoa offered and a resounding Fröhliche Wiehnnachten! to all those I pass on the street.
All this talk of tradition and "typical" or even "normal" for that matter had me shaking my head at myself. I know better. If another woman or mother was coming to me and spilling out these feelings I would know what to say. I would tell her to give herself grace, take deep breaths. I'd remind her that the Christmas spirit is not found in the traditions or the customs. Christmas spirit comes from within. And even when it doesn't seem attainable that's OK too. Really. Goodness knows we are not always going to be feeling merry and bright every minute of the Advent season. This season of preparation includes a list a mile long for most. Or possibly a list of grief and want, desires of the heart unfulfilled, reminders of a loved one lost, or not enough in the bank account to provide. A multitude of reasons could lay claim to one's joy. And it does. Everyday. So why should I expect Christmas to be any different?
While the Christmas spirit may not be overflowing here, just yet, I am throwing the expectation of a sparkly Christmas done the way it's always been done to the wayside. Who says it has to be one way or the other? Yes and Amen to that! We can live well in the in-between, this season too can be both- and. Celebrating the truest of truths coming incarnate, mourning what once was the tradition, soaking in the present, fluffing with twinkle lights and cozy blankets, hanging on tightly to those near and dear, allowing both grief and joy, and embracing the struggle for all of it to coexist this side of heaven. I wish I could tell you I am at ease with all this but a constant theme here on the blog has been adapting to the new, accepting it for what it is and continuing forward. With that I'll choose to do the same this Advent season.
For every tradition that has gone unfulfilled something new has taken place. Christmas markets have become the new light show. The wooden stalls covered in evergreen branches, lights draped over head and festive cheer floating heavy creates the most special atmosphere. Another was gingerbread making with Thing 4. He dutifully assisted in the cookie cutting and stringing and even placing on the tree. Our angel that adorns the tippy top of our tree was placed by Husband Jared instead of cycling through our four Things. The stack of Christmas centered children's books are not laying about waiting to be read any longer. No, they are packed up waiting for the next generation. Instead there were exams to be taken and current events to be written about. Not necessarily tradition but a real reminder of a different station in life. There it is again, the theme of different, which as we say in this family is not better or worse, just different. We have continued to open our home and gather with friends, I've had the privilege of chats over coffee and hikes and dinner dates with friends where my stomach muscles hurt from laughing so hard. So yes, some things are the same as they've always been. Others not necessarily. And that is what I will choose to leave room for in this evolving station of life. Room for a wider berth, more people included and invited in, tears and dancing, presents in the form of time and love, a kind word spoken, a smile shared, cocoa offered and a resounding Fröhliche Wiehnnachten! to all those I pass on the street.
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