Untitled Journal

I considered beginning this post with some eloquent or maybe antiquated declaration, more accurately so, about how life is tough, and then I thought better of it.  Perhaps it's best to just come right out and say it.  What is "it" you might be wondering.  Well "it" is this ever evolving view of self and one's place in this world.  "It" leaves me longing that much more for heaven.  My "it" today is a downward spiral of rumination that began last night and hung around with me this morning.  Coffee and breakfast was not the same because of "it" and thus far into my Thursday the outlook isn't all sunshine and unicorns.  I am learning such is life.  The ego, well my ego in this case and the "it" for all intents and purposes, will accompany me on any number of adventures into the depths of my depravity.  Knowing all my weaknesses and well intentioned motives, seeking out the mistakes buried deep in the past and mining them for the arsenal that they have the potential to be.  Ego is a tricky creature.  At least mine is.  And I am just beginning to understand her more fully at forty years old.

Ego has been defined in the self help world and studied ad nauseam by the experts that be.  The definition of ego that I relate to the most though is derived from my limited studies within the Enneagram and it goes something like this, my ego is a manufactured perception of self that I've manipulated in order to survive in a world I don't understand fully.  A covering if you will and a separation from the holiness and connection I was created to inhabit.  If I haven't lost you with all that, good.  Only through self awareness and a transformative process will I be able to function outside of my ego or shadow.  Now, I am no expert and as stated above my studies are limited here.  I am simply claiming this stance and thought process in what I have experienced and am working through currently.  The Enneagram has enhanced my understanding of ego and the role she plays in my decision making, relationships, responses, reactions and yes even in my parenting and marriage.  Where was this twenty years ago?  Alas, I can not speculate as to how it all would have been different had I been aware of this tool when my journey began but I can make the choice now to do better because I know better.  And that is where I find myself this morning.  Quieting my inner dialogue, sitting with the feelings because I know they will pass, allowing the pain to speak to me and attempting to sift through all the emotions tagging along for the ride.  I am trusting that my ego will step aside and allow the work to be done.  Because I am here and I am willing.  At least for this moment.  Present.  

For a self identified two on the Enneagram that is no small feat.  Sitting still, quieting my mind and paying attention to my own needs is not natural for me.  I am more inclined to deflect, busy myself and direct my energy towards someone else.  If I am at a low and ego is in the driver's seat then I may reach out to another in attempt to avoid my own heart.  Such a pretty picture I painted here of my inner workings.  Aren't you glad you're reading along?  For the sake of vulnerability and to widen the scope of purpose I feel it necessary to share.  Battles are being fought everyday and if my thoughts and self talk hold power than I need to harness that the best I can.  Self awareness is the beginning of that process.  Recognizing the role my ego plays is another.  Calling my mind to action and doing the work and in turn allowing the work to permeate throughout my being is another.  For me it is a spiritual transformation that I need to choose daily.  And this morning when I realized I was not at my best, or even mediocre, I voiced it and am now walking through the steps.  However best I'm able to.  That doesn't mean I will be fixed and all better.  No bandaids or shortcuts will heal down to the roots.  This takes time.  And it is not all for show or public viewing.  An enneagram teacher I have learned the most from, Suzanne Stabile, often says that Enneagram work is "best done alone in community".  In other words, other people can not fix it for you.  The trusted people that truly love you and know you will be able to shine a light on the blind spots but the work, well the work is done by you and, my own belief here, with the Holy Spirit.

So, I'll be here.  Journaling.  Running through beautiful spaces.  Reading.  Listening to podcasts and reading some more.  Lighting a candle and staring outside.  Acknowledging that I don't know everything there is to know.  Which means I will listen.  Listen to others and myself.   Lean in close and pay attention.  I will be present. Or at least try to and I will say no.  Then I will say yes.  And in between the two I will wonder if I made the right decision.  That is ok.  Ok for me and ok for everyone else too.  I'll find a way through in this season and space.  Taking what I've mined and using it in the transformation.  A quote was shared with me recently from Walt Whitman, "Do I contradict myself?  Very well, then I contradict myself; I am large-I contain multitudes."  A resounding yes and Amen to that.