Existing Between Two Places

Straddling.  That is where we are at.  One foot within Austrian borders and the other stateside.  We’re currently in that well - known place among expats as “limbo”.  There are a litany of idioms and well-meaning sentiments that are dished out like fortune cookies in attempts to assuage the situation and all the uncomfortableness that goodbyes bring.  When one chooses this lifestyle, certain aspects are to be expected.  One of those is the ever-present revolving door of people. There are the ones whom stay, those leaving and then you have the newbies.  Wherever you find yourself abroad, I would imagine you can relate to one stage on that spectrum.  I am now the one leaving.  And I can’t say that I like this all that much. 

I should also confess that I am not good at leaving, or saying goodbyes, or processing all that goes with it.  The best way I know how to process is through writing.  Please, bear with me.  

When asked the common question, “why?”, I have a standard answer.  The driving force behind our move is to be in closer proximity to our adult aged daughters.  These past two years have been filled with transition for them.  We want to have a physical presence in their lives.  And also, we have financial obligations that cannot be fulfilled while living here, in Austria.  More details will not be offered.  Our confidence lies in the belief that this is the next right thing for our family.  Yes, it does bring transition, once again, into our lives.  Especially for our eighteen-year old son.  

His journey through this recent change has been tumultuous to a degree.  So many thoughts.  A multitude of emotions.  Clarity that can only be recognized by a parent and confusion so typical for a young adult working through future life plans.  Tossed back and forth between the best for him, his dreams and the reality of action and responsibility.  The story is his to tell and this brief stay in Vienna will be a chapter or two, of his journey.  Placed somewhere towards the beginning, if I am allowed to be advantageous here.  

Let’s return to the straddling.  I’d like to delve a bit deeper into that.  

There are the unavoidable details of a move.  Scheduling return flights, negotiating contracts for the new assignment, surveys with movers, goods to sell and those to bring along.  The list seems to be never ending and just when I’ve thought I checked all the boxes an addition is made.  I say this with an air of experience and a knowing of the privilege. We have made multiple moves, stateside and abroad.  Both have facets unique to the geographic location, but I will make this disclaimer: there are elements to an international move that vary.  Nuances, whether cultural, or otherwise, that factor into the process.  And while most of these are beyond my control I would be lying if I said their effect was not noticeable.  

Straddling.  The very definition of the word implies some sort of maneuvering and managing.  In fact, the Oxford dictionary says to straddle is “to cross or exist on both sides of”.  A resounding yes.  

 Accompanying all the inevitable details and such of the place that is waiting for us is the act of saying farewell to the here and now.  Farewell to a city that has captivated our hearts and farewell to people that made this time unforgettable.  I was reminded of a motto our family has tried to abide by, “it is our intention to leave people and places better than when we found them”.  Wien has undoubtedly left its mark on us all.   And hopefully, we have done the same.  

Our son, throughout our conversations regarding our potential move, found himself consistently calling to mind all the “stuff” he’d miss about Vienna.  Everything from favorite foods to the conveniences we’ve grown accustomed to.  Relatively small “things”, such as reliable public transportation, fresh bread around every corner and a freedom afforded by a security that he had not encountered prior.  So, upon his suggestion, we have been curating a list, of sorts.  One column for ALL the “things” we will miss about Vienna.  Those that we want to savor and enjoy and see, including people, before our departure.  And the opposing column, for all the “things” we are looking forward to in Tennessee.  At the top of our TN list are our three daughters, his sisters.  They are all residing in the state we will be returning to and that is definitely the best part about this move.  Being able to understand, read notifications, and comprehend conversations and instructions will be a positive as well, and potentially a negative.  There is a bliss I’ve experienced here in having the ability to ignore peripheral noise.  I am well aware that won’t be the same stateside.  On the other side, is the Prater, our community here, as mentioned before, the bread, and public transport.  I could go on and on.  

In sharing this list with some dear friends recently I commented on how lopsided it was looking.  Our documentation was weighing heavily on the “going to miss” side.  This evoked quite an uncomfortable feeling within.  Just as quickly as it appeared, my friend took notice and offered some words of wisdom.  Wisdom that cannot be taught but that which is earned by personal experience.  The personal knowledge of the toll taken emotionally and mentally in multiple moves.  She told me I should draw a few empty boxes in the “looking forward to” column.  Blank spaces to designate the unknown waiting for us there.  All the opportunities and surprises that undoubtedly will make an appearance as we are further submersed in our life stateside.  I went home and did exactly as she advised.  

Immediately I began to cry.   The mark has been made.  When it comes time to bid Auf Wiedersehen to this city I hope to be able to do so with the confidence that comes from having left it and its people better than before.  I know it has given me that gift as well.  

And that is where the coexisting holds us.  Looking forward to all that awaits, in Nashville, and still physically here in Wien, savoring the city and preparing for our “see you later”.