Heavy

Life can be messy.  I am messy.  Sure I like order and organization and plans and the such but on the inside I am messy.  Very messy.  And today my spirit feels heavy.  Not in a depressing I need medicine sort of way.  Just in a processing, dealing sort of way.  Where else could I share this?  I tried journaling in my devotional but the words wouldn't transfer from head to pen.  Sometimes I find it easier to sit here at the computer knowing that my readership includes only about 6 people and they may not even read this post.  Yet it feels as though I am pouring out the heaviness and ridding myself of it.  Please do not worry.  (MOM)

Last night at our small group we were reading John 2.  What a heavy chapter.  We go from  miracle to table turning in the temple.  Mind you the first chapter of John speaks of the disciples and their obedience and wilingness to follow Jesus, The Messiah.  What pricked my heart were the last words in John 2:24-25, "But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men.  He did not need man's testimony about man, for He knew what was in a man."  I had it underlined in my Bible previously but I had never felt those words like I did last night. 

Enter disclaimer, I am no expert on Scripture.  I am learning and fumbling like a new believer.  These are only my thoughts I share and what the Word has spoken to me, how I understand it.  The view from here, if you will.

Anyhow, He knows man.  Jesus used discernment.  He knew some of those same people that believed only after seeing the miracles would be some of the very ones that would be shouting "crucify him".  Enter me.  Am I one that entrusts myself to man?  Are the world's offerings where my loyalty lies?  I, nor will any human, ever carry the divine knowledge as God in the flesh did, but we are told that we can have strength through Him.  He can help us in our discernement.  In our struggles. 

Another thought.  If He knows man, which scripture repeatedly tells us He does.  Even the hairs on my head are numbered.  Why would I ever try to hide from Him?  Why do I carry heaviness in my heart when He is waiting with open arms?  When He suffered unthinkably on the cross for me?  When He already knows.

And that is what's on my mind.  A while back I read a post from another blogger.  She spoke of times when her heart was heavy and she felt distant from the Lord.  In order to reconnect she would set out some time for herself in her room.  Deliberately.  She would close her eyes and imagine Jesus' journey to the cross.  Crown of thorns pushed into his head.  The lashing.  The blood.  The heaviness of the wood, the heat beating down on Him.  Every time He would stumble.  Every foul word shouted at Him.  And then the nails.  In each hand.  On His feet.  The agony.  The sacrifice.  His mother.  Tears shed.  Blood of Lamb spilled. 

A practice that no doubt brings you to your knees.  Worship.  Preparation for the season ahead.  Heaviness lifted and heart full. 

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