Just Bein' Real

I aim to be real.  Genuine to the core.  A what you see is what you get kinda person.  Lately, not so much.  Well really, not since I boarded the plane to travel here.  This new place that is now home.  Maybe even before then.  The goodbyes, the preparations, all the taxing steps and to do's that consumed the last few months of our lives, they drained me of me. 

I am not good at keeping up appearances.  I once was.  Now it is not something I care to do.  I have had to be strong for the Things.  Empowered, fearless and protective.  Ready to jump to their needs at the drop of a hat and then sitting on the edge of the seat waiting for the next fall out, or bump in the road.  Not necessary.  I know that deep down, it just hasn't translated.  I desire for them to be secure.  To feel good about this move, the opportnuities.  For the four of them to know they are loved and safe.  For them to not be afraid of dipping their toes into this culture and trying new things.  It is all new around here.  Everywhere you turn. 

The thing is I don't have to be all those things for them.  I just have to be me.  I will have struggles.  I will be homesick.  I will want to pout and throw tantrums.  All for not understanding the way things work here in this new place.  I will have days where I want to hide myself away and pretend that we are in the states.  It has only been four weeks.  That is normal.  No one is peachy all day, everyday.  Right?  Should I feel guilt over this declaration?  Should I pretend as though it is all okay?  I think not. 

The reason I think not has become clear to me today.  I have a heavenly Father who calls me to lay all this before Him.  He knows the before and the after, even the "during".  Every morning He dances over me and waits for me to wake.  (thanks to Kevin Adams for that visual) All so I can share everything with Him.  To Him be the glory.    Not to say that I can't share this with those around me whom love me.  I can.  First it needs to go before the Throne.  To sift through.  Lift up and  move forward.   It is temporary.

As is this life, it is fleeting.  I for one choose to not waste a moment of it in worry over the here and now that is out of my control.  I will choose to savor these moments for they are gifts.  In all their confusion and chaos I am being taught, molded and readied.   

Thank you for this lesson taught afresh today.  And thank you for allowing me to use this venue to vent a bit.

1 Response to "Just Bein' Real"

  1. Kim O Says:

    Leanna, you are such an inspiration! I am praying for you all. Thanks to your "real" post, I can be even more specific in my intercessions. :) Please say hi to Jared and the kids from the O'Herons...we miss you all!

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